"Should auld acquaintance be forgot..."

This has been a very crazy year for me. As soon as it began I wanted it to be over, It started out very challenging and hard, full of questions, uncertainties and doubts. But it's funny how when all is lost and you are faced with some of the most unexpected things, how somehow you find yourself, in a way that you never saw before. You learn, you strive, and honestly you sometimes suprise yourself. I spent some time lost, confused, and with lack of faith, then found things in myself that I forgot was there, I acheived things that I forgot I was capable of, and I learned a little more about myself and my life.
And then things became clear, and while that aspect became easier, a lot of other things became harder. But I learned that it is okay, We sometimes have to endure difficult things to have what we want, and it takes pain, sweat, and hardwork, but if you want it, you can have it.
I've learned that I can take one hell of a hit, and that we may get blindsided and knocked down by life, while it takes us a second to regain our balance, what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger and as sure as we were all put here for a reason, we can stand up and take one step at a time.
Life is hard, and the hardest thing about it is love. My heart has been broken, taped back together, and then put to the test this year. I've learned a lot about unconditional love, the kind of love that can withstand some mighty blows, but finds a way to remain. We all have our short comings, life challenges us, and at one point or another, we fail. That love is tested, and even if we go through other emotions such as pain, anger, betrayal, hatred, pitty, loneliness... when you come out of the dark tunnel, and you still have love, and your both still standing, well then I guess you have all that matters.

I've learned that people will not have a clue about something, but yet still have an opinion. They will feel that they know, and feel that they have a place to speak on things that they are pretty much oblivious to, and that's fine, because just like they are uneducated conclusions, they have no weight where it counts and don't really matter at all. The people that have listened and been confided in will no the facts, and in those special individuals you will see no judgment or sentiment in
their eyes, but all that you need... which is support.
I've learned that there is a lot of ugly in the world, there are people that judge others and make others feel less than worthy, they steriotype, protest, and harbor hatred, because of either race, religion, or who they choose to love. Weather your opinion is supported by the bible, the news, or your own personal self righteousnes, you will find that if you spend a little less time worrying about what everyone else is doing, maybe you would be able to focus on your own imperfections and find more
happiness in your own life. There are bad people in all shapes colors and forms, and everyone will be judged at their own time for their decisions in life, and no one else on this earth is qualified to make that judgment.

I've learned alot about forgiveness this year, I've learned that finding forgiveness is hard, but the most benefitial thing in your life. We have all been done wrong,
we all have many reasons to be hurt, angry, and hold a grudge. Forgiveness doesn't mean that it just goes away, or that it hurts any less, I have found that forgiveness is learning to accept the things that have happened and that can not be changed, not giving that negativity any power in your life anymore, and moving forward. Doesn't mean that it never happened or that you forget, but that it doesn't effect your decisions, the way you feel, or the way you love. It's just freeing yourself of the negative effect and leaving with the knowledge and lesson learned.

Revenge is a waste, the best revenge is not with retaliation... But with the fact that someone tried to fuck with you, and it didn't even phase you... Being happy
and still having everything you need leaves more of a bad taste in someones mouth, than you aknowledging their efforts and giving them the time of day.

This year was the hardest one yet, but now that I have reached the end of it I see all that I have gotten from it. I was tested and I am stronger because of it, my marriage and family was tested and it is stronger now because of it.
I was faced with another deployment this year, and while they don't get easier, there is always room to become stronger.
I have so much pride in my heart for what my husband does for his family and the sacrifices he makes for this country. I hope that after this year, he knows how proud
and happy he has made me. Our road hasn't been an easy one, but my heart is so full of love at times that it makes my chest tingle, I can still talk to him for hours and hours at a time, and there is no one in this world that I am more myself with and that knows me better than this man. He has my heart, and he's the only one that I will ever trust with it.

I landed my dream job this year! I inquired on it lightly, and got a suprise when it all fell into place. I begin teaching dance this January, and I am so excited to be doing something that I truly love and have a passion for. It will not only be an outlet for me, and an opportunity for me to do something that I haven't been able to do for the past 6 years, but it will bring me work that I can have happiness and joy in. I am nervous, anxious, excited, and most of all, happy.
A year that started out awful, got better, then worse, and then finaly to a wonderful place. It was challenging and stressful, but the ultimate reward is at the end feeling satisfied, happy,and at peace.
I have 2 little boys that are my world, they are hard work, and know how to drive me crazy, but the joy that they have brought me seems to make the rest fade away. I have the constent job as a mother and army wife, and that is the most important job I could ever have.
This next year will bring opportunities, continuous joy, and more changes... we have one more year left in the military, and that might be the end of that chapter. And we're hoping to start a new chapter that doesn't involve any more goodbyes. But with anything, especially things in the military, there are still decisions to make and a lot between then and now. There will be much to do this year, much to celebrate, much to be thankful for, and I just hope that I continue to remember that through it all. Aside from a couple resolutions, most of all I just want to enjoy this next year. Enjoy the little moments and take none of it for granted.
I feel healthy, content, happy, and loved... I don't think there is much more I could ask for from this year.

Return to me....

Another deployment, another goodbye, another long year... I was mistaken to think that it would actually be in any way easier then the first time. It might even be worse, the hole in my chest, the burning eyes from crying all day. He told me that the longer I held it together the longer he would be able to, but how am I supposed to hold it together when the love of my life is breaking down the day that he has to leave his wife and children.
I am so proud of this man, I have been with him for almost 7years and over the many changing aspects of our life together he has been my rock, the provider for our family, and now our 4 year old calls him his Hero. It's bittersweet, I am overwhelmed with Pride and love, but at the same time with loss and sadness. I said this after the last goodbye and I will say it again,"I am at the bottom of the barrell right now, this is day one, every day after this is just one more day closer and will only get better". This year will be filled with frustrations and challenges, but the one thing that I want to always remember is that whatever I am facing will pass, and focus on the day that is soon to come where the only thing that matters is that my husband is coming home. A dish that doesn't get washed or an errand that doesn't get ran will be nothing compared to my husband coming home from Iraq and in my arms again. That's what's going to get me through every day, and that's what I'm most looking forward to. I must not dwell on the absence of my husband, but excited for him to come back!
How do you take enough pictures of moments that mean the world to you and images that you will be clinging to for the next year? How many times can you tell someone that you love them to where you actually feel that they have any idea of how much you really do love them? How do you give somebody the biggest hug and kiss you can in hopes that they somehow feel the love and desire you are feeling? How do you explain to your 4year old that you're not just saying "goodbye dad, i'll see you when you get off" and tell him that he needs to give his daddy a hug big enough to last him a year? How do you tell someone to stay safe and come back to me, when you have no idea the danger that may lie ahead? How do you say thank you to a man for taking on this courageous duty that a lot of people wouldn't, and while you've never been so proud, it kills you that you can't ask him to stay.
I woke up this morning in the arms of the man that I love more than he will ever truly understand, and tonight I will cuddle up with blankets, cry, pray, get as much rest as I can and then start my day tomorrow. Unfortunetly the world doesn't stop turning and there are still things that have to get done weather I am sad or not.
Some people say that being a military spouse is the hardest job there is, Some will say that we all just sit on our couch for a year eating bon-bons.... Either way you look at it I will spend the next year away from my husband, I will be a single parent, taking care of the bills, house work, children, and whatever else the world throws my way. And I will do it with a smile on my face, love in my heart, and strength that I have, that my husband has given me, and that our friends and family contribute. I've got a lot planned to keep me busy and motivated and positive, and that's all I can really do right now.
I sent my husband off to war today, with a long letter, pictures of our family, and a gaurdian angel pin that will be protecting him for another year. He is my hero the love of my life, and things will not be complete until he is back in my arms.

...but the greatest of these is love

So I am beginning "The love dare". This is something that I started about a year ago, got half way through and never finished. It's something that I am really inspired by and something that I think every married couple should do at some point in their relationship, the book says " Whether your marriage is hanging by a thread or healthy and strong, the love dare is a journey you need to take. I love reading about how people work, and the many things that we forget about when it comes to love. It reminds me that it's not this perfect painted picture, it's not a fairytale, it is a constant work in progress. Right now is a perfect time in my life for me to take this journey...

"The scriptures say that god designed and created marriage as a good thing. It is a beautiful, priceless gift. He uses marriage to help us eliminate loneliness, multiply our effectiveness, establish families, raise children, enjoy life, and bless us with relational intimacy. But beyond this, marriage also shows us our need to grow and deal with our own issues and self-centeredness through the help of a lifelong partner. If we are teachable, we will learn to do the one thing that is most important in marriage - to love. This powerful union provides the path for you to learn how to love another imperfect person unconditionally. It is wonderful. It is difficult. It is life changing."


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-A senior spouse was asked how they had managed to stay married for so long. The answer was that they didn't fall out of love at the same time; that there was always one of them who was ready, willing and able to work and make them succeed.


"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-St. Augustine


"We were given: Two hands to hold. Two legs to walk. Two eyes to see. Two ears to listen. But why only one heart? Because the other was given to someone else. For us to find."


"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart."
-Helen Keller


"Love is something eternal; the aspect may change, but not the essense."
-Vincent van Gogh


"Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."
-Mark Twain


"You have to keep creating a marriage. We talk about everything. We grow and change together, because nothing ever stays the same; you've got to continue evolving."
-Kelly Preston


"A deal is a deal. To me, that just says it all. Marriage is for keeps."
-Courtney Cox Arquette


"Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, it’s the middle that counts the most…you need to remember that when you find yourself at the beginning. Give hope a chance to float up."
-Hope floats

Happily ever after... and then some...

I am officially convinced that marriage is a giant work in progress... It is never perfect and the job is never done. There are times when you are so in love that you would shout it from the roof tops if you could... and then there's times when you just want your spouse to leave you the heck alone! It's so very hard, between children, housework, demanding work schedules, bills and finances and then whatever other random BS life throws on your plate it's very hard to steal the quality time, to take a breath and not be short tempered and irritable.

It was recently proven to me that life does in fact have dissapointments, and those heartbreaks are sometimes from the ones you trust the most. In one moment everything you know and everything that you've built can be pulled out from beneath you, put into a blender set on puree, and then handed back to you like "Tada!" and you're just like... "dude, WTF just happened?!" Then you get to learn some things about yourself, you get to build your self worth, you get to think about things that you have overlooked for years, you find out what you're truly capable of under pressure and hard times, and you absolutely amaze yourself.

So then you are asked with the question, what is worth more than time and pain? what is worth going back on things you may have sworn to in the past? The commitment and relationship that you vowed to stand strong by till your death... Thats when you pick up your mish-mashed life and you throw it in the mixer again, taking all of the lessons that you've learned and trauma you've overcome and you decide to push forward... completely based on faith... faith is believing in more than you know, more than what you've seen and been through. Believing that when there is faiure, lies, and heartbreak... that if you want it bad enough and you feel it in your soul, that you can have trust, love and happiness.

I believe that people make mistakes, I believe that there is weakness and deceite in the world... but it only has as much power as you give it. And that ugliness has no power in my life anymore.
It is a constent battle, you try not to be nieve to the truth, you have to have acceptance and forgivness. And it is a whole series of fears, fear of what has happened, fear of what you will never know, and fear of the future. What's amazing though is that under all of these emotions and fears and complication... there is one constant... LOVE.

When you buy a car, you sign the papers, get the keys... Is the process then done? Far from it, you must keep up on oil changes, engine repairs, new tires, car washes, constent constent maintenance... If you don't keep up on these things, your car will breakdown... as will your relationship without the proper attention and maintenance. YES lmao, I just compared marriage to a car :)

It's hard, there will always be obstacles to overcome, hardships that you must make it through, life changes that will challenge you and push you to the max, But when you are sitting by this person that you have been to hell and back with, and seen the impossible with, broken eachother's hearts and then put them back together... and you still sit together on a couch both wanting the same thing, still in love, and you still have the fight... than who's to say that anything is impossible.