Another deployment, another goodbye, another long year... I was mistaken to think that it would actually be in any way easier then the first time. It might even be worse, the hole in my chest, the burning eyes from crying all day. He told me that the longer I held it together the longer he would be able to, but how am I supposed to hold it together when the love of my life is breaking down the day that he has to leave his wife and children.
I am so proud of this man, I have been with him for almost 7years and over the many changing aspects of our life together he has been my rock, the provider for our family, and now our 4 year old calls him his Hero. It's bittersweet, I am overwhelmed with Pride and love, but at the same time with loss and sadness. I said this after the last goodbye and I will say it again,"I am at the bottom of the barrell right now, this is day one, every day after this is just one more day closer and will only get better". This year will be filled with frustrations and challenges, but the one thing that I want to always remember is that whatever I am facing will pass, and focus on the day that is soon to come where the only thing that matters is that my husband is coming home. A dish that doesn't get washed or an errand that doesn't get ran will be nothing compared to my husband coming home from Iraq and in my arms again. That's what's going to get me through every day, and that's what I'm most looking forward to. I must not dwell on the absence of my husband, but excited for him to come back!
How do you take enough pictures of moments that mean the world to you and images that you will be clinging to for the next year? How many times can you tell someone that you love them to where you actually feel that they have any idea of how much you really do love them? How do you give somebody the biggest hug and kiss you can in hopes that they somehow feel the love and desire you are feeling? How do you explain to your 4year old that you're not just saying "goodbye dad, i'll see you when you get off" and tell him that he needs to give his daddy a hug big enough to last him a year? How do you tell someone to stay safe and come back to me, when you have no idea the danger that may lie ahead? How do you say thank you to a man for taking on this courageous duty that a lot of people wouldn't, and while you've never been so proud, it kills you that you can't ask him to stay.
I woke up this morning in the arms of the man that I love more than he will ever truly understand, and tonight I will cuddle up with blankets, cry, pray, get as much rest as I can and then start my day tomorrow. Unfortunetly the world doesn't stop turning and there are still things that have to get done weather I am sad or not.
Some people say that being a military spouse is the hardest job there is, Some will say that we all just sit on our couch for a year eating bon-bons.... Either way you look at it I will spend the next year away from my husband, I will be a single parent, taking care of the bills, house work, children, and whatever else the world throws my way. And I will do it with a smile on my face, love in my heart, and strength that I have, that my husband has given me, and that our friends and family contribute. I've got a lot planned to keep me busy and motivated and positive, and that's all I can really do right now.
I sent my husband off to war today, with a long letter, pictures of our family, and a gaurdian angel pin that will be protecting him for another year. He is my hero the love of my life, and things will not be complete until he is back in my arms.
