Another deployment, another goodbye, another long year... I was mistaken to think that it would actually be in any way easier then the first time. It might even be worse, the hole in my chest, the burning eyes from crying all day. He told me that the longer I held it together the longer he would be able to, but how am I supposed to hold it together when the love of my life is breaking down the day that he has to leave his wife and children.
I am so proud of this man, I have been with him for almost 7years and over the many changing aspects of our life together he has been my rock, the provider for our family, and now our 4 year old calls him his Hero. It's bittersweet, I am overwhelmed with Pride and love, but at the same time with loss and sadness. I said this after the last goodbye and I will say it again,"I am at the bottom of the barrell right now, this is day one, every day after this is just one more day closer and will only get better". This year will be filled with frustrations and challenges, but the one thing that I want to always remember is that whatever I am facing will pass, and focus on the day that is soon to come where the only thing that matters is that my husband is coming home. A dish that doesn't get washed or an errand that doesn't get ran will be nothing compared to my husband coming home from Iraq and in my arms again. That's what's going to get me through every day, and that's what I'm most looking forward to. I must not dwell on the absence of my husband, but excited for him to come back!
How do you take enough pictures of moments that mean the world to you and images that you will be clinging to for the next year? How many times can you tell someone that you love them to where you actually feel that they have any idea of how much you really do love them? How do you give somebody the biggest hug and kiss you can in hopes that they somehow feel the love and desire you are feeling? How do you explain to your 4year old that you're not just saying "goodbye dad, i'll see you when you get off" and tell him that he needs to give his daddy a hug big enough to last him a year? How do you tell someone to stay safe and come back to me, when you have no idea the danger that may lie ahead? How do you say thank you to a man for taking on this courageous duty that a lot of people wouldn't, and while you've never been so proud, it kills you that you can't ask him to stay.
I woke up this morning in the arms of the man that I love more than he will ever truly understand, and tonight I will cuddle up with blankets, cry, pray, get as much rest as I can and then start my day tomorrow. Unfortunetly the world doesn't stop turning and there are still things that have to get done weather I am sad or not.
Some people say that being a military spouse is the hardest job there is, Some will say that we all just sit on our couch for a year eating bon-bons.... Either way you look at it I will spend the next year away from my husband, I will be a single parent, taking care of the bills, house work, children, and whatever else the world throws my way. And I will do it with a smile on my face, love in my heart, and strength that I have, that my husband has given me, and that our friends and family contribute. I've got a lot planned to keep me busy and motivated and positive, and that's all I can really do right now.
I sent my husband off to war today, with a long letter, pictures of our family, and a gaurdian angel pin that will be protecting him for another year. He is my hero the love of my life, and things will not be complete until he is back in my arms.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
...but the greatest of these is love
So I am beginning "The love dare". This is something that I started about a year ago, got half way through and never finished. It's something that I am really inspired by and something that I think every married couple should do at some point in their relationship, the book says " Whether your marriage is hanging by a thread or healthy and strong, the love dare is a journey you need to take. I love reading about how people work, and the many things that we forget about when it comes to love. It reminds me that it's not this perfect painted picture, it's not a fairytale, it is a constant work in progress. Right now is a perfect time in my life for me to take this journey...
"The scriptures say that god designed and created marriage as a good thing. It is a beautiful, priceless gift. He uses marriage to help us eliminate loneliness, multiply our effectiveness, establish families, raise children, enjoy life, and bless us with relational intimacy. But beyond this, marriage also shows us our need to grow and deal with our own issues and self-centeredness through the help of a lifelong partner. If we are teachable, we will learn to do the one thing that is most important in marriage - to love. This powerful union provides the path for you to learn how to love another imperfect person unconditionally. It is wonderful. It is difficult. It is life changing."
*********************************************************************************
-A senior spouse was asked how they had managed to stay married for so long. The answer was that they didn't fall out of love at the same time; that there was always one of them who was ready, willing and able to work and make them succeed.
"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-St. Augustine
"We were given: Two hands to hold. Two legs to walk. Two eyes to see. Two ears to listen. But why only one heart? Because the other was given to someone else. For us to find."
"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart."
-Helen Keller
"Love is something eternal; the aspect may change, but not the essense."
-Vincent van Gogh
"Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."
-Mark Twain
"You have to keep creating a marriage. We talk about everything. We grow and change together, because nothing ever stays the same; you've got to continue evolving."
-Kelly Preston
"A deal is a deal. To me, that just says it all. Marriage is for keeps."
-Courtney Cox Arquette
"Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, it’s the middle that counts the most…you need to remember that when you find yourself at the beginning. Give hope a chance to float up."
-Hope floats
"The scriptures say that god designed and created marriage as a good thing. It is a beautiful, priceless gift. He uses marriage to help us eliminate loneliness, multiply our effectiveness, establish families, raise children, enjoy life, and bless us with relational intimacy. But beyond this, marriage also shows us our need to grow and deal with our own issues and self-centeredness through the help of a lifelong partner. If we are teachable, we will learn to do the one thing that is most important in marriage - to love. This powerful union provides the path for you to learn how to love another imperfect person unconditionally. It is wonderful. It is difficult. It is life changing."
*********************************************************************************
-A senior spouse was asked how they had managed to stay married for so long. The answer was that they didn't fall out of love at the same time; that there was always one of them who was ready, willing and able to work and make them succeed.
"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-St. Augustine
"We were given: Two hands to hold. Two legs to walk. Two eyes to see. Two ears to listen. But why only one heart? Because the other was given to someone else. For us to find."
"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart."
-Helen Keller
"Love is something eternal; the aspect may change, but not the essense."
-Vincent van Gogh
"Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."
-Mark Twain
"You have to keep creating a marriage. We talk about everything. We grow and change together, because nothing ever stays the same; you've got to continue evolving."
-Kelly Preston
"A deal is a deal. To me, that just says it all. Marriage is for keeps."
-Courtney Cox Arquette
"Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, it’s the middle that counts the most…you need to remember that when you find yourself at the beginning. Give hope a chance to float up."
-Hope floats
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Happily ever after... and then some...
I am officially convinced that marriage is a giant work in progress... It is never perfect and the job is never done. There are times when you are so in love that you would shout it from the roof tops if you could... and then there's times when you just want your spouse to leave you the heck alone! It's so very hard, between children, housework, demanding work schedules, bills and finances and then whatever other random BS life throws on your plate it's very hard to steal the quality time, to take a breath and not be short tempered and irritable.
It was recently proven to me that life does in fact have dissapointments, and those heartbreaks are sometimes from the ones you trust the most. In one moment everything you know and everything that you've built can be pulled out from beneath you, put into a blender set on puree, and then handed back to you like "Tada!" and you're just like... "dude, WTF just happened?!" Then you get to learn some things about yourself, you get to build your self worth, you get to think about things that you have overlooked for years, you find out what you're truly capable of under pressure and hard times, and you absolutely amaze yourself.
So then you are asked with the question, what is worth more than time and pain? what is worth going back on things you may have sworn to in the past? The commitment and relationship that you vowed to stand strong by till your death... Thats when you pick up your mish-mashed life and you throw it in the mixer again, taking all of the lessons that you've learned and trauma you've overcome and you decide to push forward... completely based on faith... faith is believing in more than you know, more than what you've seen and been through. Believing that when there is faiure, lies, and heartbreak... that if you want it bad enough and you feel it in your soul, that you can have trust, love and happiness.
I believe that people make mistakes, I believe that there is weakness and deceite in the world... but it only has as much power as you give it. And that ugliness has no power in my life anymore.
It is a constent battle, you try not to be nieve to the truth, you have to have acceptance and forgivness. And it is a whole series of fears, fear of what has happened, fear of what you will never know, and fear of the future. What's amazing though is that under all of these emotions and fears and complication... there is one constant... LOVE.
When you buy a car, you sign the papers, get the keys... Is the process then done? Far from it, you must keep up on oil changes, engine repairs, new tires, car washes, constent constent maintenance... If you don't keep up on these things, your car will breakdown... as will your relationship without the proper attention and maintenance. YES lmao, I just compared marriage to a car :)
It's hard, there will always be obstacles to overcome, hardships that you must make it through, life changes that will challenge you and push you to the max, But when you are sitting by this person that you have been to hell and back with, and seen the impossible with, broken eachother's hearts and then put them back together... and you still sit together on a couch both wanting the same thing, still in love, and you still have the fight... than who's to say that anything is impossible.
It was recently proven to me that life does in fact have dissapointments, and those heartbreaks are sometimes from the ones you trust the most. In one moment everything you know and everything that you've built can be pulled out from beneath you, put into a blender set on puree, and then handed back to you like "Tada!" and you're just like... "dude, WTF just happened?!" Then you get to learn some things about yourself, you get to build your self worth, you get to think about things that you have overlooked for years, you find out what you're truly capable of under pressure and hard times, and you absolutely amaze yourself.
So then you are asked with the question, what is worth more than time and pain? what is worth going back on things you may have sworn to in the past? The commitment and relationship that you vowed to stand strong by till your death... Thats when you pick up your mish-mashed life and you throw it in the mixer again, taking all of the lessons that you've learned and trauma you've overcome and you decide to push forward... completely based on faith... faith is believing in more than you know, more than what you've seen and been through. Believing that when there is faiure, lies, and heartbreak... that if you want it bad enough and you feel it in your soul, that you can have trust, love and happiness.
I believe that people make mistakes, I believe that there is weakness and deceite in the world... but it only has as much power as you give it. And that ugliness has no power in my life anymore.
It is a constent battle, you try not to be nieve to the truth, you have to have acceptance and forgivness. And it is a whole series of fears, fear of what has happened, fear of what you will never know, and fear of the future. What's amazing though is that under all of these emotions and fears and complication... there is one constant... LOVE.
When you buy a car, you sign the papers, get the keys... Is the process then done? Far from it, you must keep up on oil changes, engine repairs, new tires, car washes, constent constent maintenance... If you don't keep up on these things, your car will breakdown... as will your relationship without the proper attention and maintenance. YES lmao, I just compared marriage to a car :)
It's hard, there will always be obstacles to overcome, hardships that you must make it through, life changes that will challenge you and push you to the max, But when you are sitting by this person that you have been to hell and back with, and seen the impossible with, broken eachother's hearts and then put them back together... and you still sit together on a couch both wanting the same thing, still in love, and you still have the fight... than who's to say that anything is impossible.
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